Fake Bag Wave

"May I help you?" I asked.

"We have come to help you," they replied. "All you have to do is answer a few questions."

"Again?" I said. "How many times do we have to go over that? I am not plotting to overthrow the government, I don’t know anyone who is involved in that, I never met İlhan Selçuk, Yeşil and even Türkan Saylan, and no, the European Union funding is not used to break up the state and regional development agencies are not hotbeds of insurgency."

"We know all that," said the man dismissively. "We have a new set of questions: Do you know Yalçın Küçük?"

"Not personally, no," I replied.

"That rules out the 10th wave," said the woman.

"Have you ever been a member of a labor union?" asked the man. "You were a journalist, you must have been, admit it."

"The labor unions had already been chased out of the newspapers when I started," I replied.

"Then we cannot arrest her under the 11th wave either," said the woman. "You must have provided a scholarship to some child," insisted the man.

"No," I said. "I was planning to, that is true, but that was before Ergenekon’s 12th wave decided to arrest women who were involved in a scheme that aimed to increase literacy among girls. God, what was I thinking? Surely, anyone can see that working hard to educate girls is an attempt to overthrow the government through clandestine means?"

"No more cheek from you," said the woman. "I can take you away on thinking of giving a scholarship to a girl."

This is hardly a laughing matter. The same forensic or medical council that declared that a 13-year-old girl repeatedly raped suffered no physical or psychological harm can surely profess to know what one thinks or plans.

"Wait a minute," said the woman. "Is that a fake bag that I see in your hand?"

"Hello, Sherlock," I said. "Of course it is a fake bag. Do you think I can afford a real croc Kelly? Oh, if you have in mind to have me arrested for cruelty to animals, this is not real crocodile either."

"No," said the woman. "This is the 13th wave. From now on, we shall be questioning people carrying fake bags."

"Why?" I said.

"Well, we arrested almost anyone else," replied the man. "We have already arrested yesterday’s non-news, retired military, transvestites, hard-drinking theater stars, labor union leaders, Istanbul’s creme de la creme, NGOs, cancer patients, judges, their wives. É We have to go somewhere from here."

"Also, it is all-encompassing criteria," said the woman. "Everybody carries a fake bag. We do not need to look for further excuses. Guilty until proven innocent and that is that!"

"Yes, but what is the point?" I asked. "Why not arrest someone wearing a fake Burberry or fake Versace, for example? Or women wearing false Laboutine’s, with the red soles?"

"Are you being condescending toward the wives of the Cabinet?" said the woman. "This will not help you at all. And for the record, what you call fake Versace is a very well established Turkish brand..."

"Yes, but what is the relationship between carrying a fake handbag and wanting to overthrow the state É sorry, the government?" I asked.

"Ah, but there is a link," said the woman. "One would never put a grenade in a real Hermes. Also, a bag tells a lot about who you are and what you think."

She then proceeded to tell me all the clues: A red Birkin bag displays a 1960s spirit, a la Jane Birkin, who has a weakness for anarchy and is thus dangerous. A beige Todd shows a quiet character, possibly fiercely republican and admirer of İlhan Selçuk. A large fake bag, ideal for guns or a computer that might carry sensitive information.

Here comes the 13th wave.